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"Redeemed"

by Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed

Here's the link to the actual song if you want to listen to it. 

Hopefully you took the time to listen to that song or at least read all those lyrics. It's such a powerful song to me. How many times in my life have I felt unworthy of God's love or felt completely overwhelmed by His love? Too many to count. Every time I face a new struggle I have tried to roll it off my back and say that my whole life has been a struggle, which is pretty true. From a child, to a teenager to adulthood I have felt a big call on my life, but at every turn it seemed the enemy was trying to kill me physically, emotionally and spiritually. As a child I felt ignored and inadequate  As a teenager I was so depressed I wanted to take my own life. Thankfully God loved me so much that He never gave up on me and constantly sent people across my path to lift me up. I watched my Mom struggle for her life on a daily basis. After the birth of our 1st son my marriage almost fell apart. And now I have a son who, according to medicine, shouldn't even be alive. Yet, through all of these struggles God has shown Himself so strong in my life and He still wants to use me despite my struggles. Josh and I have faced so many trying times in the last 10 years and we finally feel like we're at a place in our lives that we have great hope for the future. An "easier" life is just around the corner. We're building a house of our own after living in an apartment for 6+ years. Our car is almost paid off and we're watching God move in our little Pax everyday. Watching Him heal Him everyday is so amazing. We're both finally on the same page and diving into God's presence. I'm finally in a place where I'm ready to answer the call of God on my life. I don't feel bound by my past anymore. I, by myself, will never be "good enough", but God's love and grace and mercy is there to redeem me and make me worthy. Seriously how great is our God?? It's such an amazing feeling to be able to "shake off those heavy chains" like the song says. 

If you're reading this I hope you take the time to listen to the song and let God minister to your heart. Answer His call. What is it the He is asking you to do? 

I am one of those weirdos that loves winter. Not so much the freezing cold, but rather the snow and fires in the fireplace and s'mores. As a kid I loved playing in the snow with my older brother and younger sister. We would build these amazing forts and sliding paths. In my mind I still think they are way cooler than anything anyone else could ever build, but in reality they probably weren't that cool. Don't tell Josh that though because I still brag about the forts I built as a kid. Anyways, I was super bummed that we haven't had any snow this winter and its the end of February. Well last week we finally got a little snow. It only stayed around for 1 day, but it was long enough to get to watch the kids play in it. I snapped a few pictures that I thought I'd share. We are supposed to be getting another snow storm tonight so maybe we'll actually get a snow day out of it. :)

It's been a difficult few weeks for me. I've really been struggling physically. I went to the doctor last month and they went ahead and started me on thyroid meds and I'm supposed to go this week and have some more blood work done to see where my numbers are. It's been incredibly difficult getting trough each day. I have never felt so weak and exhausted in my life. I haven't been able to do my workouts like I normally could, although with the meds I've been able to get back to about 3 days a week for at least 15 or 20 minutes so I'm working on it. I know I'll get better and that it just takes time and patience.

Also this Friday is Pax's cardiology appointment. I've been catching myself getting anxious about it wondering where his numbers are. But I was reminded this week that God has already healed Pax according to His Word and all we have left to do is stand and rejoice and thank and praise God for it. I was working out today and this song by Britt Nicole came on called "Stand" and it really hit home for me. It really lifted me today so I thought I'd share the lyrics.

I wake up to another day
I don't know if I can face
All the fears that are staring me down
Yeah, I'm trying to be brave
But I'm a thread about to fray
I want to stand, but I don't know how
I look U-UP!
and all I see is Your love holding me

When I feel like giving up
When my heart has hurt too much
Feels like i've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can
I stand, stand, stand
I stand, stand, stand

Some days I lose my place
It's a fight to keep my faith
But, You are with me
I am not alone, noooo
When all around my world gives way
Tossed like an ocean wave
You are my rock when the storm clouds blow
I look up
And all I see is Your love holding me

When I feel like giving up
When my heart has hurt too much
Feels like i've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won
When I've done all I can
I stand, stand, stand
I stand, stand, stand

On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand

On Your promise, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
Sinking sand
Oh woah,
It's sinking, sinking,
Yea yeah, yeah

When I feel like giving up
When my heart has hurt too much
Feels like i've reached the end
No, I won't turn and run
This battle will be won, yeahhhh

So I'll stand, stand, stand,
I stand, stand, stand
I stand, stand, stand

So it's been a little bit crazy around here it seems....ok it is a lot crazy around here. First a quick Pax update: I took him back to the cardiologist a few weeks ago. His pressures were at 67, up 17 points from his check up in September. At 80 is when St. Louis would want to do surgery. St. Louis and his doctors here had hoped to get him to March or April before he would need intervention, but his cardiologist is thinking it's very possible that when I take him back in January that he could already be at 80. We weren't expecting at all that his pressures would jump so much in such a short time, but they did. I was pretty bummed by that news, but I know God has not fallen off His throne and I still stand on His promise of healing. Period.

For the whole month of October wr were without insurance for the kids due to some stupidness on Soonercare's part, but thankfully we got it back just in time for Pax's cardiology appointment. That would have been about $1600 out of our pocket! Thank you Lord for Soonercare so we never have to pay anything for our kids' coverage! Kaiden is now back on schedule with his Occupational & Speech therapies and starting next week he will get to strt his physical therapy. I'm so thankful for these services because they have so greatly helped him.

Another thing I'm grateful for are free clinics! I had gone to the free clinic for what I assumed was thyroid problems back in March. They didn't do anything then, but my symptoms have gotten so much worse. I'm absolutely exhausted...all...the...time!! I vacuum and mop and I'm done! My hair is falling out too...like crazy and I don't even have a lot of hair to begin with. I've always have fine hair so losing any is a big deal. Josh tries to make me feel better about it, but I know it's noticible. Anyways, I finally got up the guts to go back this past Tuesday and after being there about 4 hours I left with a prescription for Levothyroxine and an appointment for a follow up in a month. Supposedly it takes 8ish weeks to kick in and start feeling better, but I'm hoping with all my might that they kick in much sooner!

Today we took the kids to Toys R Us to look around and get some ideas for Christmas. SUCH a bad idea! It was absolute sensory overload for Kaiden and it was insanely busy. Duh Cari! It's 2 weeks before Christmas...of course it's busy! I ended up having to carry Kaiden out after an all out meltdown. Still, I'm looking forward to goin Christmas shopping next week for the kids. Christmas is going to be so wonderful this year. Tim and Teresa are probably coming to town for Christmas. They are such a blast to have around. I love love love my family!

Well I hear the kids making a lot of noise so I better interven before our neighbors call the cops! Ha!

I thought I'd post some recent pictures of the kids for you. :)

There's some of them in their costumes. Dakotah was a ninja, as Ninjago (a tv show) is his current obsession. Kaiden was an Angry Bird and Pax was Elmo. It took a lot to get him to wear that costume. We finally forced it on him and immediately put him in his carseat so he couldn't wiggle out of it before Superhero Fest at church. Don't worry I don't think he was emotionally scarred. Haha

Theres also a picture of Kaiden at his Thanksgiving Feast at school. Pizza and sprite, the perfect Thanksgiving meal. :)

And the other picture is of Josh and the boys having "music time". They are so adorable when they do that. :)

Sorry the pictures may be out of order and I can't put my text with the pictures. The lovely Blogger app on my phone won't let me. Nonetheless I hope you get some smiles out of the pictures.

The last 6ish weeks have been absolute craziness...a test of my sanity for sure! Have you ever been in prayer and it was just one of those prayer times that was especially "powerful" and you could just sense that there was a breakthrough? Well I had one of those times of prayer about 6-8 weeks ago where I had just had enough of the devil attacking us financially especially, but really in several areas. I just let the devil have it during that prayer time. It was such an amazing time of breakthrough for me. Around the same time there were some meetings at our church that just really hit home spiritually and inspired me. When Jesus talked in the Bible about how the enemy will immediately come to uproot the seed (God's Word) that's been planted in your heart, He wasn't kidding. Shorty after that time of prayer and breakthrough our family was attacked big time by sickness. Straight sickness for the last 6ish weeks. I felt like the devil was saying "oh I couldn't knock you down by attacking your finances so I'll just attack your health and sanity." As you know, getting healthy and fit is hugely important to me and for those 6-8 weeks I couldn't workout. Last week I was finally able to hop back on the wagon, so to speak, but it has been so hard and somewhat disappointing not being able to just pick up where I left off. BUT the important thing is that I DID start again and I refuse to give up. So what now devil? Your brilliant plan didn't work. Ha!

The last several weeks have been hard, but it has given me a new perspective on things. It's given me the chance to re-evaluate my goals and what's important so for that I'm thankful.